as far as everything I know bi-polar is the new name for manic depressive. I had this debate with Ron last year and did some research and that was what I found in several places. I don't know if that changes things for you. If knowing that he is manic depressive and all that comes with that will feel different to you than thinking of it as bi-polar which is different but I thought it was important.

I don't know that I could have a child with someone who was bi-polar. But then I am coming from having had children with someone who was clincally depressed and I totally understand what you are saying about needing them to just freaking be happy for heaven sakes! Like everything is great and they are still not happy because they are just not built that way. But I can't live that way, at least now that I know the difference in how things can be. And when they are in that I don't think they can see anyone else. Not me/you and not children. So that is something to consider. If you do stay with him do you feel ok bringing children into a situation where they might feel like they never can make their dad happy, and the chances of them having those issues are higher too. Of course we all have stuff going on and if people only had kids under perfect circumstances the species would die out(o: but it's worth thinking about what you can handle and what you will resent. and maybe the biggest thing of that is he is very unlikely to help more and how much will you resent it if you have a ton more to do(as being a mom is huge amounts of work) and he not only isn't helping he is still expecting you to take care of him on top of it and on top of trying to find time to take care of you?

just the thoughts that jumped into my mind.

Enjoy your new boy and take care of you and things will work out.

angi - aside from the issues the others have brought up, my first thought (with what little I have observed about you and D) is that should you have a child, you should be prepared to be its sole parent. If that's okay with you, then move ahead with your plans, make decisions on who you want to father the child. Any contribution he makes will be a bonus, sure, but if you are already in the caretaking mode for your partner, that tells me you may or may not be able to count on him for consistent help with a child. If you are prepared to bear full responsibility for the child, and you still feel like motherhood would add to your happiness, then you should by all means move forward with that.

i remember when i realized i wanted to be a mom, and it became a powerful drive for me. i was very lucky because i was with a man who was stable and committed to it (at least, once he adjusted to the idea since he never really planned to be a father, and our epiphany came after a pregnancy scare). so if that is an growing i-want-to-be-a-mom awareness for you, angi, i can't think of any more wonderful thing to have in your life. and you will make a fantastic mom!

the reality is that many people end relationships in their 20s and 30s when they realize they are with a partner that works in the short-term, but not in the longterm. because these are the years when you are making decisions that will be part of your life for a long time, and who the father of your kids is is one of the biggest decisions at all. i have a good friend who has ended his last several relationships when he realized she was not the one, because he isn't getting younger, and having a family is a priority for him, and sometimes that means ending something perfectly good with someone he might be with otherwise, but not as someone to build a family with. sad, but it was in alignment with what he really wants.

i know that you and D go through a lot of ups and downs, and that you've done a lot of work to adjust to his bipolar-ness. and that you've been doing great at staying present with him.

and i also know that sometimes, we begin to see something that has been taking form "deep down" for a long time... that's what i call my la brea tarpit way of thinking... that an idea is germinating inside and i can't even see it, and one day, it rises to the top and voila! it's an epiphany. that is how the thought process for me leaving my 18-year marriage happened... one day i was just aware something wasn't right, and the next day, i realized that my marriage was no longer what i wanted. and once i saw that, i knew what i had to do.

i'm also a believer that when couples (or one part of a couple) isn't sure if it's better to be together or not, a period of separation is about the only way to know for sure... that's when you realize "wow, i can't do it without him" or (as in my case) "wow, i don't even miss this, because i'm so excited about new adventures."

and... try to keep from wanting to fix your relationship with D by bolstering it up with other people, or factoring them into the equation... sure, maybe you'll decide to have a bigger household in the future, or you'll have boyfriends or whatever, but if doing that is a way to deal with something about D that you can't really deal with alone, then that's just a bandaid, isn't it? decide about your relationship with him based on you and him.

it's not easy to factor in all of these different things, and the easiest thing is to to listen to your internal guidance and follow where it takes you, even if that doesn't make sense. a feeling that something is off means something is off... and it likely won't get any better with time. you're such an introspective and open person, i know you'll see what there is to do, or how you can be about it as you make choices for the direction you want your relationship and life to take.

((((((((( angi )))))))))))

I was married to a manic-depressive for almost three years, and they literally destroyed my life! I put everything I had into the marriage, and worked with them through many crises and in the end it just wasn't enough. She was being medicated, but the personality did not allow for satisfaction.

SV is right: bipolar/manic-depressives cannot be treated. Medication only goes so far. To be with such a person takes an extraordinary amount of patience as well as firmness and intesity of purpose. Be very, VERY sure that this peron is who you want. And also be aware that if you have children by him, they will likely have the illness as well.

Bipolar/maic-depressives also have a skewed view of the world. Despite their awareness of their illness, they frequently see themselves as being in the right. They can be extremely persuasive, and they have almost no impulse control. The comibination of these two factors can sometimes have frightening consequences.

If you love him, that's great. I'm happy for you. But temper this love with the realization that if you choose to share his life, you will be opening the door to some very unpleasant realities.

Just wanted to say THANK YOU so much for all the people that responded.

We had a really long talk this weekend, I said how I was feeling the need to move out and talked about a lot of my insecurities. The final decision was that he is going to get his own studio when he starts his new job in a few months. We both need more lone time, and I think this is perfect. I think it's really important to have our own spaces while I'm getting my MA and while he is on this huge healing path that he is working so hard to get too. I feel so utterly grateful to be able to talk this out and actually come to some conclusions! we both aren't ready for children now, so why do i need to stress about it ya know?

Anyways, i'll probably delete this thread in a few days, since I feel like i worked and processed through a lot of this, thank you all so much for your thoughts and wisdom.