Trust in relationships

I find it interesting to see what people think. And how different tribes have different vibes.

> There is safety in numbers. A family gives a sense of security. A Sanga or spiritual community gives some security.

No, there is no safety, there is no security, shit comes up all the time. There is, however, power in numbers. I think that if we all agree to create a "safe" space to express what we honestly feel then powerful transformations can happen. Parents and friends and community only give a "sense" of security by sharing what we halve with each other and by providing for and being with young children, regardless of any so-called "romantic" relationships. Romantic relationships do not last. And, all relationships eventually end. Be care-free about what you ask for.

> I'm not talking about people you spend time with.( that's anyone ) I am talking about the person you are in a committed romantic relationship with.

"The person you are in a committed romantic relationship with" sounds a lot like the "independent" (and dysfunctional) two parent family to me. This so-called relationship won't last, unless you wish to stay stuck in something that is no longer working.

I love the people I spend time with, yes that is anyone! Perhaps, our relationship consists only of sending messages back and forth on tribe about honesty in relationships, but I love you anyways. And, I appreciate you writing.

safety in numbers? family gives a sense of security? on one level, maybe, for some of us. though as someone who has a family and who has been a part of many very well-established social communities, i think that is overly simplistic. and for many people who come from dysfunctional families and corrupted communities, it would be laughable.

and you are not a film, nor are you a social movement. you're a woman who is looking for a partner, who keeps getting disappointed because no one meets the fantasy of who you want to find. but you keep trying to defend your criteria, rather than consider that the very precept of your quest is flawed.

aschleigh, i get that you want someone who will marry you, have children with you, and support you so you don't have to work. and you also want to have an honest communicative relationship with that person. and that you then all live together happily ever after.

and i feel like you continue to get bogged down in airy-fairy theoretical stuff that is actually more sociological, and using analogies like filmmaking or social movements, but these are not necessarily germaine to your specific situation, as you are looking for the yang to your yin.

you've got a lot of lingo going on, like "interdependent" vs. "independent" but underneath, i still keep getting a feeling of someone who is limited herself with this driving desire to find a man who will support you and your children, and who you'll never have to worry will leave you, and who you can trust implicitly

and that just is not how it works.

as someone who has been there and done that, i am telling you that it is just about impossible to find. and even if you do... one day, he steps in front of a moving bus or has some rare disease, and boom! there you are, life changes, now you are indeed independent, even though you tried so hard not to be.

really, honest, i am not trying to take away your dreams when i tell you that the ONLY security in life... THE ONLY SECURITY is knowing that you can take care of yourself in every way. and for women with children, that goes double.

sure, it's nice to think that you'll find that perfect man, the one who's got everything you ever dreamed of, and you all get to live out that fantasy together... but even if you got to have that for a minute, the chances of it lasting like that forever are about nil. really. i have at least five friends on tribe who have found themselves suddenly "independent" for entirely unforeseen reasons, and without any support at all, in the past couple of years. life is like that.

not to mention that if you gave up the "and he has to support me and the kids because i don't want to work but he'll love it because it's so interdependent" i think that the possible field of potential mates would increase ten-fold. most of the men i know are looking for someone who is fully formed and fully capable on their own, so that their partnership isn't just 50-50, but is actually 100% plus 100% = twice as good.

the other problem with your scenario is that the "interdependence" where the balance of power is out of whack (and believe me, if you're a stay-at-home mom and your husband is supporting you financially, the balance of power is out of whack, and that applies if the situation is reversed as well) is that the weaker partner becomes less able to take on independence, and more vulnerable if things don't go well.... plus as time goes on, they often become less interesting and less appealing than the partner who is bringing in the money. and when they walk, you're screwed.

sorry to be so harsh about this, but i want you to clearly hear what i'm saying, and i think that you do, as sv said, dismiss the input of people who have experiences that go counter to your dreamworld idea of how it should be. there is a lot to learn here on tribe, but you have to have an open mind to hear it.