I have just discovered that an ex-lover appears to have secretly despised me and not shared her continual feelings of disconnection - all the while speaking words of future together and love with me. I feel deeply hurt from her choices and actions and inability to speak her heart with me. That lack of integrity is more hurtful than the actual feelings would have been at the time.
How often do you speak your truth in words but not the truth in your heart? What do you do to align them?
How often do you speak your truth in words but not the truth in your heart? What do you do to align them?
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Portland
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Re: honesty of heart
Tue, March 6, 2007 - 10:57 AMSo sorry!!!
I recently had quite a round of this type of thing from two people I was close to (though no despising was involved, whew) and it was quite a lesson for me. In both cases, the individuals involved became more involved with me than they were really ready to do because they didn't want to hurt me. Huh??? I wasn't look for anything, I was just open. Maybe they felt they *had* to respond to that openness? Very strange stuff.
I, in response to their overtures, opened my heart up to them even more and yeah, the pain of finding out they were not being honest was pretty sharp. However, in this case the trouble was they weren't really being honest with themselves. So, it was a very human kind of error. But what a lesson!!! Because if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I have done very similar things. So often we don't tell people our misgivings or we overstate our affection or interest or even capacity so that we can please them. Really we aren't doing them, or ourselves, any favors.
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Re: honesty of heart
Tue, March 6, 2007 - 5:19 PMyes it has happened to me. My my last relationship ended I found out there was many things going on behind my back . It was hard to deal with, I wanted the relationship to go on but only in an honest, on the level manner.
I wonder how to deal with people who are clearly not being honest with themselves. I get frustrated or just plain angry when I am trying to connect with someone and they are doing things to stay disconnected, lies, hiding things, etc.. It's not my fault I have to remember, I can only stay honest, have my own integrity and hope others will too. It's disapointing to say the least.
I don't know why people try so hard to not be honest. It wastes so much time. -
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Re: honesty of heart
Tue, March 6, 2007 - 5:34 PMThe interesting thing was that she wasn't really doing it "on purpose" she just didn't know how to be fully honest and clearly communicative. Perhaps "disdain" might be a slightly stronger word than needed but she was having discomfort and doubts for a long time and didn't share it with me - was saying things very contrary.
I am not responsible for other people's dishonesty with their heart. -
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Re: honesty of heart
Tue, March 6, 2007 - 5:46 PMbut it doesn't make me less sad knowing it's not my fault. If they could only open up their hearts and be real about what they want and need it would be so much better I think. Yay for us who are trying ( however flawed it turns out) to be honest and real with our hearts and not play with others emotions.
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Re: honesty of heart
Wed, March 7, 2007 - 12:02 AMmy ex wasn't doing it necessarily on purpose either...I think he simply was very very out of touch with himself and also thought he could just decide to ignore things he didn't want to deal with...unfortunetely that has a very high price.
I think what I do to avoid that is to work my ass off at not allowing myself to be in denial or to be out of touch with what is going on with me.
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Re: honesty of heart
Sat, March 10, 2007 - 12:20 AMThe only time I don't speak the truth of my heart is when I know that it's the wrong time--that it would unnecessarily hurt hthe person that Ispeak them to; or, it's the wrong time entirely. Such words can usually be delayed, at least for a while.
But, it's best to be honest. Bottled emotions eat away at you from the inside out, and that's one of the worst feelings in the world.
